You asked me?

Thanks to this blog, I recently got a gig writing every once in a while for my online school newspaper (I know, what were they thinking). Anywhoooos, this was the most recent review i did for the new book I drink for a Reason by comedian David Cross.

Much to the delight of his already large cult following, and to the chagrin of every God fearing, Jim Belushi loving, conservative Republican scrapbooker out there – David Cross of Arrested Development and Mr. Show recently published his first novel I Drink for a Reason. Cross’s novel reads like a great David Sedaris vignette, if only David Sedaris was a self-hating Jewish man turned Atheist that wanted the world to know exactly how much he hates Bill O’Reilly. This at times, laugh out loud novel, also offends, alienates, berates, and ridicules everyone who has ever shopped at Urban Outfitters, loves America, or enjoyed listening to a Mary J. Blige Song.

Cross, who got his start writing for The Ben Stiller Show, demonstrates that he may be better as part of an ensemble than standing on his own two feet. Anyone familiar with Cross has come to expect left-wing political and social commentary, but in this novel his humor falls quite short of its usual shock value antics. At times Cross is downright accusatory of the American public in his critique of politics, media and society, in a not so comical way. Many of his essays, short fictional stories, and observational pieces are merely (cleverly and not so cleverly titled) foundations to assert the stupidity of the American people. Cross is known for his blunt and outspoken criticism of the failings of the American machine, but his narrative voice crosses the line between satire and proselytism. As a confessed self hating Jew turned Atheist, Cross churns out more racial slurs than an inebriated Mel Gibson. His rants are so abundant and haphazard that copious drug use is about the only explanation that comes to mind. I found myself scratching my head at lists such as: Eleven Vitamins You Will Have in Limbo, and Involuntary Random Thoughts I’ve Had Not Always When I Was Pooping But Certainly Sometimes When I Was Pooping.

In visualizing what this book might look like if it was a YouTube clip, I think I Drink for a Reason would be the love child of “Drunk David Hasselhoff Eats a Cheeseburger,” and “Blind Date With a Crack Whore” (if you haven’t seen them, do it now – both are classics.) This book makes for good reading material if you happen to love turrets, hate God, or have a list of not-yet-in existence YouTube clips of babies doing outlandish things. Then, boy do I have the book for you! If you don’t happen to fall into any of those categories, fear not, Cross’s book is fun for the whole family, unless your Aunt Dotty happens to love Jesus and/or political correctness. If that’s the case then perhaps The Dolorous Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ is more her speed…

Your Mag is a Wonderland?

I recently stumbled across a magazine, which although is not new (in fact it is celebrating its 4th anniversary), but is none-the-less new to me. I’d like to think of it as if Interview Magazine and Vanity Fair created a Vogue Junior-esque knock-off, that was a little bit more avante garde, with a pinch of gypsy added in for good measure. A recent article about up and comer Joseph Gordon-Levitt claimed that: “The first thing you notice about Gordon-Levitt in person is the hooded eyes that give him an eerie resemblance to Heath Ledger. The Los Angeles native was once described as having the “mean-eyed sensuality of a Larry Clark pin-up”. It was meant as a compliment.” I love anything that throws a little bit of snark into its day. One of the other standouts about this magazine is that for a fledgling publication it has some serious pull with Hollywood’s darlings. For this month’s 4th anniversary cover they not only wanted, but got, smokeshow Megan Fox. Lets be honest that takes some serious game. The other thing I love is their photography.



Do Wonderland, and yourself a favor and check them out here, or buy them at a newsstand nearest you…

Google Gone Wrong

Forget about the plethora of airplane crashes, or the series of natural disasters as well as airborne diseases, when Google stops working – thats the time when I start to ask what the world is coming to. In a series of outages yesterday (for which no one seems to be able to come up with a satisfactory answer for, over 35 million people were unable to access their Gmail accounts.

Was someone frustrated by this ominous notice?

Now if you’re like me – and incessantly check your email every 5 minutes, this alone was enough to signify the arrival of doomsday. Like many contemporary issues – people hit twitter like it was the last thing they would ever do in this world. Forget Iran or even Michael Jackson…F Google. My personal favorite response was the one posted by Mashable, a social media guide, which gave frustrated users 5 options of other things to do while Gmail was down. My personal favorite advised users to: “ Once Twitter is down, the next logical recourse is Facebook (). Make sure your status update reads something like “With Gmail down, I’ve lost all sense of social connection. Feel like I’m living in a cave.” Make the rounds to your friends’ profiles and like their Gmail related statuses.” Sadly in this day and age, it looks like not even Google is reliable… Where will we turn next – Bing! anyone?

Hot Child in the City

Lets be Honest. Who doesn’t love Carrie Bradshaw, and by extension all the lovely ladies of Sex and the City. Although it ran from 1998 until 2004, it seems like a right of passage for any modern woman. It seemed like a dream came true when the rumor of a SatC movie came to fruition. And it looks like after much speculation (and something like 7 different scripts), a second movie is in its initial filming stages. Here are some first glimpses of SJP on the set, as well as a glimpse at her…goods.

44 and you still got it – nothing “unsexy” about this…

Oh Looks…Oh Man

The beginning of the school year is always something I both look forward to and also dread. You have that awkward – only senior in a class fill of freshman moment- and the always awesome – you make some sophomore boy cry when you berate him for sitting in YOUR seat. But what I always come to cherish is how you get to be so personally acquainted with people you never see outside the classroom. My personal favorite is when you see someone from school out at a bar RAGING. But my favorite thing to do is to freak other people in my classes out. It’s kind of like the Sex in the City episode where Carrie has to do jury duty and is surprised daily but the types of obscure fruits a man pulls out of his briefcase. But I try to get more inventive. This is a great one I also like to employ on my mother (courtesy of Postsecret).

P.S. Here’s a little soundtrack for this post: Looks – Mike Doughty

So get out there and annoy, surprise, and generally make those around you uncomfortable, you have my blessing!

Long Time Gone

Hello my friends. Sorry about the longest hiatus in history. I have been bouncing around these past couple of weeks in true gypsy fashion, and have finally made it to a resting place (for now). To fill you in I am no longer homeless, I got into 1 female on female bar fight, pissed off approximately eighty six sorority girls, purchased 23 40’s at a gas station in one foul swoop, and went on 1 horse spotting adventure which was literally THE WORST THING i have ever done – and trust me there is a long list to compete for that title.

I love Kate Moss and I love Gypsies. Ipso facto making this the BEST PHOTO SHOOT EVER.

I also learned that polio can be fun, Tequila does not mix well with Jack Daniels (especially not when mixed in a single shot glass, and that half full taxis are surprisingly friendly to hitch hikers. Ahhhh college its great to be back.

Iz not my DRANK

Coca- Cola, I always  love seeing what you come up with next. This however seems just plain nasty… The company is set to launch a new carbonated “vibrancy” drink which will be taste tested in areas around America, and will then rely on Americans’ taste-buds as to whether or not Coke should spread this product that the company claims is “a refreshing sensory experience”.

The soft drinks giant has so far launched its new Vio products only in New York, but milk-based products are popular in Asian markets such as Hong Kong and Japan. Opinions on BevNET, a website that reviews non-alcoholic drinks, are not exactly overflowing with glowing reviews.The company, however, says it has “a delicious, unique and smooth flavour”, with no artificial flavours, preservatives or sweeteners and offers 15% of daily calcium intake and antioxidant vitamin C. I however think that- that shits just nasty. The only thing worse than milk is peach flavored, carbonated milk. My ruling: Epic Fail.

Wedding Bells for Michelle Tanner?

Ashley Olsen will be featured in next month’s Marie Claire, and I can’t help but say that the girl looks damn good. Ashley – 1/2 of the Olsen twin power duo has been taking steps to settle down. The twins have had an renowned bumpy ride since reaching adulthood – with MK’s dalliances with eating disorders to receiving a joint star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame in April 2004. The girls have gone through a more Hollywood leading men than they have through movie roles as of late. MK’s most recent scandal involved the mysterious circumstances surrounding the death of Heath Ledger.

However, the tides have turned for Ashley, who is allegedly has a wedding extravaganza in the works at the famed Hotel du Cap Eden Roc in the French Riveria. The lucky groom to be, none other than Justin Bartha from movies such as The Hangover and National Treasure. The couple has been together just under  year, but a rumored to be headed towards impending nuptials. The wedding will be followed by a lavish $100,000 honeymoon in Greece, the report claims. The tame-ish twin has “always dreamed of having her wedding on the French Riveria”, and when one of your closest friends is fashion icon Karl Lagerfeld, a custom-designed gown is no less commonplace than something borrowed or blue. She also wants Annie Leibovitz to capture the entire extravaganza on film… How we love child starts turned celebutantes who make outlandish yet somehow do-able requests.

According to tabloid tattles, Ashley is busy lining up $100,000 worth of deluxe accommodations for guests, selecting floral arrangements from Moe’s Flowers in Hollywood, and catering from Dos Caminos Mexican Restaurant in New York City. At this point it’s hard to know whether all of this is merely rumored, or surprisingly true, but I must admit that Justin Bartha does seem a modicum more stable than the slue of man candy from the past. Lets hope they can stay on track, K-I-T Ashley, KEEP IT TOGETHER.

Fawkward…

I had a really awkward elevator ride today. It started with me storming into an elevator – coffee in tow – and screechingwhen I almost crashed into a man who already happened to be inside the death trap. I then inquired as to what he was doing in the Elevator to which he snarkily replied that he likes to just ride them up and down all day. I then made a joke about ladies lingerie being on the 7th floor, and then proceeded to actually push the button. Tard move number 2 in just under ten seconds. The man COULD NOT WAIT to exit the elevator, and hauled ass out as soon as the doors opened. From my experience here are some things one should never say slash do on an elevator.

1. Scream – “I cannot believe I made it through security.” Or for that matter yell DONE! on a crowded airplane..
2. Grunting while saying under your breath – “uh oh, my water just broke.”
3. Being party to a large family reunion… My friend and I once witnessed a large I kid you not – clown car experience elevator style when not one, but 13 people (all obviously related) fought, yelled, and trampled into, on, near, and around the elevator. For approximately 90 seconds the Gupta family enacted a Jerry Springer style moshpit whilst I maintained my finger on the door open button, when baby Arjun defecated what smelt like tikki massala I took that as my cue to accidentally let my finger slip off the button…
4. Yelling: “Someone smells like sex!”
5. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator while saying “Work it girl!” And telling them to pose. My friend did this on her elevator in Egypt – it takes approximately 45 seconds to descend from her 10th floor perch, oh and no one speaks English, oh and she was wearing a sequined tube top as a dress and every other woman was in head to toe Hejabs. Well done America.
6. Sell girl scout cookies
7. And then there’s always this…

   
   class, class, class

The DIRT on Heidi Montag

Remember when Heidi Montag’s sister Holly claimed that: “She’s not nude,” her sister Holly Montag told Us Weekly. “Her Maxim cover was so gorgeous and tasteful, and I know Playboy is going to be the same.”
And yes, Holly is dating Sanjaya Malakar from American Idol. Whereas Stephanie Pratt is dating Brett Novek of VH1’s America’s Most Smartest Models. Lets chalk this up as Pratts 1, Montags -5.

Yes, you read right, the SHEPratt is dating this guy… Amazing – I guess even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while (shout out EK).