Much to the delight of his already large cult following, and to the chagrin of every God fearing, Jim Belushi loving, conservative Republican scrapbooker out there – David Cross of Arrested Development and Mr. Show recently published his first novel I Drink for a Reason. Cross’s novel reads like a great David Sedaris vignette, if only David Sedaris was a self-hating Jewish man turned Atheist that wanted the world to know exactly how much he hates Bill O’Reilly. This at times, laugh out loud novel, also offends, alienates, berates, and ridicules everyone who has ever shopped at Urban Outfitters, loves America, or enjoyed listening to a Mary J. Blige Song.

Cross, who got his start writing for The Ben Stiller Show, demonstrates that he may be better as part of an ensemble than standing on his own two feet. Anyone familiar with Cross has come to expect left-wing political and social commentary, but in this novel his humor falls quite short of its usual shock value antics. At times Cross is downright accusatory of the American public in his critique of politics, media and society, in a not so comical way. Many of his essays, short fictional stories, and observational pieces are merely (cleverly and not so cleverly titled) foundations to assert the stupidity of the American people. Cross is known for his blunt and outspoken criticism of the failings of the American machine, but his narrative voice crosses the line between satire and proselytism. As a confessed self hating Jew turned Atheist, Cross churns out more racial slurs than an inebriated Mel Gibson. His rants are so abundant and haphazard that copious drug use is about the only explanation that comes to mind. I found myself scratching my head at lists such as: Eleven Vitamins You Will Have in Limbo, and Involuntary Random Thoughts I’ve Had Not Always When I Was Pooping But Certainly Sometimes When I Was Pooping.

In visualizing what this book might look like if it was a YouTube clip, I think I Drink for a Reason would be the love child of “Drunk David Hasselhoff Eats a Cheeseburger,” and “Blind Date With a Crack Whore” (if you haven’t seen them, do it now – both are classics.) This book makes for good reading material if you happen to love turrets, hate God, or have a list of not-yet-in existence YouTube clips of babies doing outlandish things. Then, boy do I have the book for you! If you don’t happen to fall into any of those categories, fear not, Cross’s book is fun for the whole family, unless your Aunt Dotty happens to love Jesus and/or political correctness. If that’s the case then perhaps The Dolorous Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ is more her speed…

Was someone frustrated by this ominous notice?

Now if you’re like me – and incessantly check your email every 5 minutes, this alone was enough to signify the arrival of doomsday. Like many contemporary issues – people hit twitter like it was the last thing they would ever do in this world. Forget Iran or even Michael Jackson…F Google. My personal favorite response was the one posted by Mashable, a social media guide, which gave frustrated users 5 options of other things to do while Gmail was down. My personal favorite advised users to: “ Once Twitter is down, the next logical recourse is Facebook (). Make sure your status update reads something like “With Gmail down, I’ve lost all sense of social connection. Feel like I’m living in a cave.” Make the rounds to your friends’ profiles and like their Gmail related statuses.” Sadly in this day and age, it looks like not even Google is reliable… Where will we turn next – Bing! anyone?

P.S. Here’s a little soundtrack for this post: Looks – Mike Doughty

So get out there and annoy, surprise, and generally make those around you uncomfortable, you have my blessing!

I love Kate Moss and I love Gypsies. Ipso facto making this the BEST PHOTO SHOOT EVER.

I also learned that polio can be fun, Tequila does not mix well with Jack Daniels (especially not when mixed in a single shot glass, and that half full taxis are surprisingly friendly to hitch hikers. Ahhhh college its great to be back.

According to tabloid tattles, Ashley is busy lining up $100,000 worth of deluxe accommodations for guests, selecting floral arrangements from Moe’s Flowers in Hollywood, and catering from Dos Caminos Mexican Restaurant in New York City. At this point it’s hard to know whether all of this is merely rumored, or surprisingly true, but I must admit that Justin Bartha does seem a modicum more stable than the slue of man candy from the past. Lets hope they can stay on track, K-I-T Ashley, KEEP IT TOGETHER.

1. Scream – “I cannot believe I made it through security.” Or for that matter yell DONE! on a crowded airplane..
2. Grunting while saying under your breath – “uh oh, my water just broke.”
3. Being party to a large family reunion… My friend and I once witnessed a large I kid you not – clown car experience elevator style when not one, but 13 people (all obviously related) fought, yelled, and trampled into, on, near, and around the elevator. For approximately 90 seconds the Gupta family enacted a Jerry Springer style moshpit whilst I maintained my finger on the door open button, when baby Arjun defecated what smelt like tikki massala I took that as my cue to accidentally let my finger slip off the button…
4. Yelling: “Someone smells like sex!”
5. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator while saying “Work it girl!” And telling them to pose. My friend did this on her elevator in Egypt – it takes approximately 45 seconds to descend from her 10th floor perch, oh and no one speaks English, oh and she was wearing a sequined tube top as a dress and every other woman was in head to toe Hejabs. Well done America.
6. Sell girl scout cookies
7. And then there’s always this…

   
   class, class, class